Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
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Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
HELP 😭
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.