FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
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I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Story of my life…..
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.