Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
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Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
lol