Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
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[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
called in thicc to work this morning
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Happy thanksgiving
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
choose your gary
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.