Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
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My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card