FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
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Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.