FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
You Might Also Like
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.