Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
You Might Also Like
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room