Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
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Ghost costume 😂
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
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“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes