@joshcomers: Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I'm married now, so that's where I sleep.
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@BlindChow: [In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth...] EARTH: yo GOD: what? EARTH: send nudes GOD: *creates Adam & Eve* EARTH: nice
@doktorj: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo."
@_laurabee_: woman next to me on the bus just asked me to read her text to her as she's forgotten her glasses. 'dog has shit entire length of kitchen.'