@joshcomers: Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I'm married now, so that's where I sleep.
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@TheReal_AndyMac: I was in a 3rd grade talent show and told a few jokes. I quickly got escorted off the stage because I'm 30 and should be at work.
@BriarSlyMadness: *climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world* "When did they put a Starbucks up here?"
@joeljeffrey: I have a stalker now and it's super creepy. She shows up wherever I go... her house, her job, the women's restroom. I don't know what to do.
@LeslieInMpls: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 85,432 times, you're a weatherman