@joshcomers: Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I'm married now, so that's where I sleep.
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@BobTheSuit: CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone's iPhone? NSA: "U2's New Album"
@Schmoodles: I wish I was an American so that I had the right to bear arms. I'd probably go for panda bear arms because awwwww, so cute.
@Chumpstring: [used car] ME: my credit's bad SALESMAN: k ME: i'm a criminal SALESMAN: no law against that ME: i'm on the run SALESMAN: then you need a car