Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
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I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
next level snooze
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim