Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
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Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.