Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
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I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
#Caturday
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.