Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
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i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I falcon love using swear birds
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?