FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
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That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/