Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
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My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]