FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
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Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
🤣🤣🤣
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Festive toon…
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?