*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
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My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.