I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
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wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I unironically love this joke.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
This checks out
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.