Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
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I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
The hardest thing Vision has to do
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
this is 10/10 content no notes
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”