Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
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[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
🙂🙃🥹
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
The news is so predictable nowadays
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.