Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
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You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..