Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
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Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Something Saturday.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.