Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
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what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.