Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
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Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
i baked you a cake
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Cause of death: Zumba
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Ok but actually