FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
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I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Nice try Hitler
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.