FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
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Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Body by sandwich.