Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
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“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Möther may I have a snäck
bears
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”