Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
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Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG