Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
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The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot