Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
and now we wait
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”