Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
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[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Important reminders