My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
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There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Welcome
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.