Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
You Might Also Like
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
new shirt idea
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was