last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
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me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
i actually laughed 😩
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.