[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
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I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.