Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
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Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
There’s only one good girl here!
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”