FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
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Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.