The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
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First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
*puts cutlery down*
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.