Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
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To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Nomnomnomnom
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious