FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
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Oh no 😂😂💔😭
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.