Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
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If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing