Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
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son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
step 6: release the wall snake
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”