FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
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Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early