Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
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*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.