FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
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Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.