*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
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doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
This January has 47 Mondays
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
All excellent questions
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.