The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
You Might Also Like
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
White parent Vs Arab parents
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
mood
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here