I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
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Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.