Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
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An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her