I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
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Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Check your privilege
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*